


Part Of Being Alive Is Wishing That You Weren't Sometimes

by ruby_love



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bad Days, Crying, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Tenderness, Worried Derek Morgan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:22:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28535832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruby_love/pseuds/ruby_love
Summary: It was one of those days, the really bad ones that left his brain screaming at him to dig out the stash he still has hidden away in that shoebox in his closet, so easy to get to, so easy to take it, take anything, everything, something.So he went to see Morgan instead.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 12
Kudos: 140





	Part Of Being Alive Is Wishing That You Weren't Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya!! This is my first Criminal Minds fic, but also my first fic on this account. It's just angst, but I hope you enjoy, and if you have any feedback please share! <3<3<3

It was late. Not wee hours of the morning late, but still, too late for Derek to be awake, so Spencer really didn't know why he had taken the metro to see him. That's stupid, because of course he knew why, knew that he needed to see him. Wanted to see him. But it was easier to pretend he didn't know himself. 

He'd been standing outside Derek's door for a full twenty minutes now, just staring at it. He drifted in and out of lucidity. What was he doing there again? Why was he standing there? Was he going to knock? He should probably knock soon, if that was what he was going to do. Although, maybe he would just stand there a bit longer. It had been a bad day. A very bad day, and having somebody see him in this state of mind probably wouldn't make it any better.

Still, he knocked, loudly, and when a moment passed with nothing to show for it, he started knocking again, repeatedly, and he didn't stop until the door swung open.

"What the hell, kid?" Derek looked tired. Of course he did, Spencer had just pulled him from sleep for his own stupid problems, so of course he was tired. It was, after all, after midnight. But it was fine. Whatever. This was important. Was it really? It was important to Spencer, at least.

"Sorry to wake you." Spencer had said softly, though for some reason he really wasn't all that sorry. "I just, um... I had to talk to you about something. Well- I didn't really. I don't. It's not an emergency or anything, so don't freak out, but. Anyway, can I come in?"

Derek still looked barely conscious, but he moved over so that Spencer could step inside. Spencer wasn't sure where to go from here. He hadn't planned this far. Should he go sit down? Stay standing where he was? Should he even tell Derek what had brought him here? It all felt so stupid now, standing in Derek's home, where he felt cozy. Where he felt safe. 

"Reid? What did you want to talk about?"

Spencer turned to face him, a familiar bubble of dread growing in his stomach, spreading to his lungs, threatening to pop. Derek was staring him down. Not really, he actually still seemed half asleep, confused an vaguely worried, but Spencer still felt like he was being glared at. He had to get out of there. Coming was a mistake. 

"You know what? Never mind. We can talk in the morning. You're tired, and I probably am too, so I'll just go." Spencer made a move for the door, but Derek blocked him. 

"Come on, man. There's obviously something going on, or you wouldn't show up here so late. I'm already awake, so we might as well talk now." He paused. "If it's gonna take awhile I don't care, I can brew some coffee, or something."

"No, don't do that." Spencer said. "Um, look. Maybe we can just... can we cuddle, or something?"

Derek's gaze, already soft from sleep, softened even more, his shoulders relaxing. He nodded, taking Spencer's messenger bag from where it was slung over his shoulders and dropping it by the door. Spencer toed off his shoes, before letting Derek lead him back to his bedroom, and if he were in any other state of mind he would let himself revel in this, enjoy the fantasy that Derek was his, that they slept next to each other every night, that they belonged to each other. 

"Do you want a change of clothes? I probably have some sweatpants that'll fit you." Derek asked, looking at Spencer, who only now realized he was still wearing the jeans he'd worn to work that day, an hoodie now thrown over the button up he still had on. Spencer only shook his head, climbing almost instinctually into Derek's bed, allowing himself to breathe in the scent of him on the sheets. The mattress sank next to him, and then familiar arms snaked around him, Spencer sighing softly as he leaned back into the touch. 

His hand went to the pocket of his hoodie, thumbing at the small vial he still had tucked away in there. It was comforting, in some sick sort of twisted way, but not as comforting as Derek's arms around him. Still, he needed to make sure it was there. He needed to be sure. 

"You okay, kid?" Derek asked into the back of Spencer's neck. 

Spencer bit his lip. "You always call me that. Kid. I'm not... I'm not a little kid, okay? I'm an adult. And I- I'm not a kid."

Derek shifted behind him, pulling him closer. "I know that, Reid. It's just a nickname. It just stuck. I know you're not a kid. Reid, what's going on? You know you can tell me, don't you?"

"It's just that it's been a really bad day."

"Okay. Do you wanna talk about it? You can, if you want to. I'll listen."

Spencer breathed in shakily, screwing his eyes shut tight in a desperate attempt to stop the tears building up. "Morgan." He said, voice cracking. It was pathetic he told himself. He couldn't cry right now. Not yet. Not now. "Morgan. Derek." 

"Yeah, I'm here, kid. I'm right here."

Spencer sighed, turning around and coming face to face with Derek, who looked just a little terrified. Without looking away from his pretty eyes, Reid stopped thumbing at the vial, gripping it in his palm and pulling it from his pocket, presenting it to Derek. "I'm sorry."

His face seemed to go through a hundred different emotions before settling on something unidentifiable, his face highlighted by the moon shining in through the open window. He took the vial from Spencer's open hand, rolling it around in his palm. "Did you... are you high right now?" 

Spencer shook his head, taking notice of the tears tracking heavily down his face. "I almost did. I wanted to so bad. I still do. But, uh, I figured that if I relapsed I'd just end up working cases while I was high, and that's no good for anyone, so I was just gonna kill myself or something but I came here instead."

"Oh, Spence." Derek said, still gripping the small vial in his hand as he pulled the thinner boy impossibly closer, now fully hugging him tightly, and Spencer buried his face in the man's neck and let himself cry quietly. "Shh, Spencer, it's okay. You did good. You came to talk to me. That's good."

"I'm sorry." Spencer sobbed, clinging to Derek like a life line. "Shit. Shit! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you this."

"Don't say that." Derek scolded, though there was no real malice behind it, they were both too vulnerable for that. "I'm glad you told me, okay, pretty boy? If you don't talk then you can't get better. But you, you did good, kid. You came to me. You didn't take anything. You didn't k-kill yourself. You were going to do that?"

"I don't know. Maybe not." Spencer said, even though he knows very well that had been his intention when he'd dug out the dilaudid. To be fair, he'd fully intended to off himself on multiple occasions, and he figured he could lie right now, because Derek looked scared, and Derek almost never looked scared. 

"I care about you, you know that, don't you, kid?"

Spencer pulled back enough so that he could look into Derek's eyes again, a magnetic experience. "I know. I just- I know you do. And I love you. Okay? I love you."

"I love you too, kid."

"No, no, not like you love me. I love you like how I'm supposed to love some girl. I don't know. I just love you."

Derek stared at him for a moment, and Spencer didn't know what to make of his expression. He considered making a run for it for the second time that night, when Derek leaned in and there were soft lips on his. 

Spencer let himself melt into the kiss. Of course he did. This was what he had wanted since his first day at the BAU, since his first time talking to Derek, and long before that, before he even knew who Derek was and before he even knew that he was going to work for the FBI. He'd always wanted this, probably since long before his life had even begun. Spencer could feel it, that the two of them were meant to find each other, to be together. Kissing Derek felt like coming home. 

The kiss was sweet, but they didn't pull away until they both needed air. Spencer thought briefly that he needed Derek more than he needed oxygen, but science begged to differ, so he was complacent with just resting his forehead against Derek's. "I said I love you too, kid."

Spencer closed his eyes. "I love you. I love you, I love you, I love. I've been waiting forever to say that. I love you."

Derek huffed, something similar to a laugh. "I love you, too. My pretty boy."

Spencer fell asleep like that, cradled snugly in Derek's arms, and he woke up practically on top of him, the vial of dilaudid nowhere to be seen, although he didn't look very hard. He still wanted it, probably always would, but not as much as he wanted to stay in that moment, wrapped up in the man that he'd been chasing after since the dawn of time, probably. 

It was still early, much earlier than they had to be up for work. In the real morning, with sunlight and grogginess and all that stuff, they would have to talk about what last night had meant, and worry about getting to work, and worry about people at work asking questions, but for right now, Spencer was perfectly content to ignore all of that. For now, he could go back to sleep and pretend everything was okay for just a little longer. 

And so he did.

**Author's Note:**

> That's all, my loves. Very short and angsty, but I hope you enjoyed it, and I'll probably be writing more for this ship in the future. Thanks for reading!!!


End file.
